Coming out into the light...

We are beginning to see the other side of the last few months. Wil finally has another job after his company being eaten by the two horse race that is media advertising and he will start that in two weeks. I have passed my probation period (which after a few future wrangles with the HR department will hopefully mean that I have some kind of financial stability) and the firm doesn't have any messy deadlines coming up which means I wont be working 75 hour weeks for the foreseeable future. Now that things are calmer, its weird to see where we are. Six months ago, we were both in jobs that we had been in since university, we lived with my sister who I had lived with for 5 years and things were pretty stable. Now things have all changed and the only thing that is constant is the two of us. I am glad that we were living together and engaged when all this change took place as it really helped me feel grounded. It meant that our world could be shaken up but that I could be safe in the knowledge that when all the bits had floated down, Wil and I would be standing there together looking at that new landscape. I don't know what I would have said to this statement before we were engaged. I don't think I would have believed that it was going to make a difference in the way it has. Or maybe it hasn't made a difference and Wil and I have just evolved in the way that we would have done with or with out being engaged... There is no way of telling except by how I feel. I do feel it has made a difference.
It certainly gave us some presents! On Sunday we finally spent our engagement gift vouchers (after being wishy washy and undecided for a whole 13 months) on some insanely beautiful Denby plates and bowls.



And then whilst I was near the cabinet I though I would just show you these too



What can go wrong with a night in if you have some hefty brandy glasses and a filled decanter for a warm winter evening of debauchery!

Hurrah for consumption (of the material and alcoholic variety)!

Surprised...

We are having these amazing tents for our wedding reception. The company is run by a really friendly guy and his wife who discovered them when they used Kata tents for their wedding. We had a lovely time at their open day, and we even ended up talking to them about how they had moved up to the North from London to start the business and how they had just started having children. We discovered that they were totally on our wavelength (if a few years ahead of us!) and we are both really happy to give them our money to support their independent amazing business... which, considering how much these beauties cost, is a very very good thing.

Anyway, this is all by the by, the point I wanted to make that arrises out of these tents, is a different one. Our friends have seen these tents (or to put it a little less generously, you could say that we showed them...) and they let it slip the other day that they were thinking about having them at their wedding... that is 6 months before ours...

I took a deep breath and decided that our wedding will be special to us and our family and friends no matter what and the tents will look beautiful second, third or twentieth time round. Further, my wedding is not about being the coolest or the most orginal, it is about our love and our love of all those that support us, so I am okay with our friends using the Kata's before us.

Wil, however, has had sleeplessness nights over it. These nights culminated in him having it out with the boyfriend of this couple to ensure that they wouldn't be using the tents. He said it was eating him up and he couldn't spend anymore time drinking pints with the boyfriend, wondering when his mate was going to bring up the possibility of using these tents... It turns out that they aren't using the tents, which means that Wil can now relax... but I think it has surprised our friends that Wil was the one worrying about this rather than me, the bride.

Also, I am the one holding our budget back when Wil decides that we need X or Y to have a beautiful impressive wedding, which is another thing that has surprised our friends...

I just think that it is interesting that even when people know you, they can still expect you to fall into the default positions of "my wedding will be the event of the year bridezilla" and "I don't care, you do what you like love, but leave us some money" groom. These things are obviously more complicated and varied than gender-steotypes allow, but isn't it weird how lovely well meaning people can forget that?

Limits

I discovered Wil's golden rule to our relationship today, as he earnestly said to me:

as long as we keep on top of the laudry, Poppy, everything will be ok.

:-)

Bad Timing...

So, its been a while since I had a blog... The one I last had was whilst I was at Law School - which seems like a million years ago - and I struggled with keeping that one as up to date as I would have liked, though god knows what was getting in my way: Considering doing some work and then having a coffee and cigarette break maybe?

So... I managed to time the start of this blog with getting "Big Opportunity of My Dreams" Job (BOMD Job). Before that I was whiling away my time at a small Dickensian law firm, not doing very much and letting it get to me, between the wonderfully short hours of 9:30 and 4:45. Then 2 months ago, little firm was eaten by a big commercial soulless firm and I finally got the urge to go and find something better. I stumbled upon BOMD Job by accident four days after I started looking and managed to blag my way in two weeks later. And its great! But boy, is it stressful and long. I am now working 8:30 - 7 most days and those days are filled with a heady mix of excitement and terror. Needless to say, I never have the time to cook tea, let alone actually blog. I do managed to read others (thank god for my iphone) but I am little lax with posting.

I have decided that this is okay for me, because being an active part of a community that I enjoy so much, is important to me and is preferable to simply reading all the blogs I love... but I hope that is okay with you (the very few of you out there!)

P.s When I got BOMD, they gave me an "Apprentice"-style grilling and asked if I was willing to work all hours... I instantly replied "Er, Human Rights, Court of Appeal, Snazzy International Office... Hell Yes!!" but then realised I should actually talk to Wil about this, as it kind of effected him. His response was that I should go for it, even though it now means all things changing in our lives, starting with him cooking diner all week. I think it is pretty cool that we can change our roles like this (I used to cook all the time - I like it!) and that they are so easy to change! I was honestly like "Well, you'll have to cook now I finish so late" and he replied "Tuna Pasta Bake 5 times a week it is then!" and it was done! I feel a lot easier about our future now, and am worrying less about the traditions of marriage eating us up!

Happy (belated) Halloween

Wil and I were too hungover on Saturday to play with knives, so we had to put the carving off until today:



Every year, after the messy fun of carving, Wil and I bake with the insides. He makes Pumpkin & Tomato soup and I make Pumpkin Pie.

I meant to take a picture of his soup (which he made very promptly... my pie will probably not materialise until next Sunday...) but it was so delicious, I slurped it all up before I remembered. Anyway, you have my word that it was very very nice!

A lot to learn.

Wil was not the first guy I slept with, not the first guy I feel in love with, nor the first I went on holiday with, or the first I celebrated anniversaries with.*
I, however, am his first forray into the world of long term relationships.

For quite some time, this haunted me. I felt like I was leading him through our relationship, pointing out the pitfuls and explaining the process. I remember when I realised how much I loved him and how great our relationship was compared to others in the past, I was taken over by the fear that, like all my relationships before, it would end. Wil couldn't understand my worries at the time, and I remember blaming this on his never having been through the bitter ending of a long term relationship before... Although, looking back, perhaps it was simply that he trusted in the longevity of our love more than I did at the time.

So over the past years, I felt as if I was the watcher and worrier of our relationship, responsible for the safe passage through our ups and downs. This self-given role, has led to a fair share of anxiety during our engagement as I try and envisage our life post-wedding.

In fact, I break out in reactionary feminist sweats when ever I think about it. I have this awful nightmare vision of me turning into a 1950's housewife, doing all the cooking, cleaning and washing, with no career, no hobbies, no challenging conversation, no sparky wildcard friends...**

Its posts like this and this, that have managed to keep me sane on the whole issue, and have helped me challenge my own preconceptions about the terms wife and marriage which, I am discovering, are pretty loaded all by themselves!

I was discussing this all with Wil at the weekend and talking about how I was worried that, if I was the only one pushing for our relationship to be different than the stereotype, we may not be able make that change. And how, although the idea of me and him forever made me grin from ear to ear, I was terrified of being a wife and being in a marriage, as it meant nothing positive to me...

He seemed a little bemused by all my worry and concern, and after hearing me out, said this:

"Marriage isn't about changing who we are, Poppy, or about you becoming someone different. You can be whoever you want to be and so can I. We should never hold each other back. That's what marriage is about to me, us supporting each other to be whoever we want to be. Allowing the other person to change and evolve. Just me and you, living our lives together, loving each other."

And this just came out of him, off the cuff...

Seems that maybe I'm the one, now, that has the most to learn...








*He is hopefully the last guy I will do all these things with, which is much, much, better!

**For the sake of clarity, what upsets me about the stay-at-home concept is that I am in it, not the concept itself. Hence the all the other negative connotations popping up in it for me like "no challenging conversation", etc. Also note the term "reactionary" feminist sweats rather than "well thought out and considered" sweats. I can't quite believe it still needs explaining in this day and age... but feminism is choice, and if staying at home, doing all the important family and home building stuff (which, by the way, we criminally undervalue in our society) makes you happy, then please go right ahead, safe in the comfort that I won't be making any snide comments behind your back...

Letter to a Building

Dear Westminster Station,

There is no easy way of saying this... I'm not coming back.

I know that this will come as a shock to you given the beauty of our short-lived relationship. There will have been no hint of this coming in the open-mouthed awe that I have displayed each time I rode your imposing escalators, the joy of your architecture glinting in my eyes.

Please know that rising out from the tube has never felt as good as it has over the last month and that only you alone can make it feel that sublime: An agnostic's ascension.

Each morning you shocked me awake, a cold wind rushing through, clearing my mind of the morning detritus, the air chilled by the serious necessity of your huge grey structures and fiercely modern design.

I have found you proud and determined, thoughtful yet bold, and you inspired me to develop those traits in myself. Your unashamed revelling in who you are and what that means has inspired me to begin to accept who I am and to enjoy what I mean. Yet you will take no comfort from this, because it is due to these changes within me, that I have the strength to leave at all...

I have no plans to return, but if and when I do, I hope to be a fuller reflection of what you have showed me. The seeds of change you have sown may germinate and then grow around me and through me, supporting me to be a better individual, a bolder and wiser one.

Until then.

Yours always,

Poppy.